i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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