I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
