those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
