just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize