So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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