The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
