It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
