tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
