seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
