mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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