She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
