i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
