my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
