you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
