did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
