Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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