You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
