Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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