He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize