listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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