Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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