I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
