Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
