Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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