don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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