It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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