we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
