He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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