Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
and you fell through a lawn chair
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
