Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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