70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
