That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
