Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
