If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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