he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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