What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
