i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
We're not piercing ourselves today.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
