that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
