Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize