my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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