Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
