now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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