i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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