Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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