Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I feel like death gave me a hand job
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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