I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
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