listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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