Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
