between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
