Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize