I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
