Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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