"it" just moved
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Less talking, more tequila
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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