There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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