Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
