im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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