you're like a bully in the Christmas story
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
