Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
