Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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